Quiet and Still.
Ya. October 2012 is the last time I posted. Let us just say there has been too much stuff to deal with. Way too much stuff. Last time I posted, my son was living on his own and doing great. Then he had a major depressive episode, and ended up in the hospital for a few days. Upon his release, he moved back in with us. My husband was looking at being laid off, and by the skin of our teeth, he kept his job. My husband's ex wife's son (not hubby's bio kid) got kicked out by said ex-wife and had nowhere to go so we opened our doors to him. The youngest's former daycare provider is in a really rough patch in her life and in between housing; her dog needed a place to live for a few months, so we have a white husky living with us as well.
Sometimes, especially when I'm feeling depressed, everything feels very hard. Physically difficult. Just breathing is about the speed I can handle. While I haven't had a big depression in a long time, over the past few months I certainly was in a darker place than I'd like to be. This makes it harder to just deal with regular stuff, let alone the kind of craziness that was going on around me. I am great in a crisis. I just put my head into the situation and deal. I get things done. It's the aftermath that is tough. I know its because I am "hardwired" to dealing with anxiety and stress due to the unhealthy family of origin I come from. Crazy, stressful situations are "normal" to me. When things are going along quietly that's when I get depressed or anxious. Basically I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop.
After years of therapy, and really working on this issue, I am much better now. I don't get as freaked out by "quiet times". I am still learning, don't get me wrong, but I can do things like stay home and work on my projects and breathe. It seems weird that stillness is hard; that the quietness in my mind is unfamiliar, but it is getting more "normal"!
All moms have to juggle a dozen things at once. Dads too. Our life zooms along with school, texts, work, cleaning, running errands, the busy stuff. People want more, better, bigger stuff, and they get caught up in this cycle of earning money and wishing for more. Money is awesome and amazing and I will never turn it down, but I can't buy my most treasured moments because those were spent with people. People who I have a deep and sincere friendship with. My children who are my life. My husband who reminds me that I am amazing. Dear friends who will listen to me unload. I am happiest when I am surrounded by my very large, self made extended family.
|Surrounded by family and Miss Goo. She makes me smile with my heart.|
Today. Our guest doggy, Nanuk, the white husky got out. He's an escape artist, and Miss Goo is happy enough to tag along right behind him. They are back home and cuddled with me as I type this. When I am done, I will do my morning/daily chores, garden, and do some mending. I will do this in quiet. I will do this alone in my own head, and I will be happy.